EN 
DE Clarify and resolve conflicts professionally
Author: Peter Siwon, MicroConsult
Contribution – Embedded Software Engineering Congress 2017
Who likes conflict? But if we take a realistic look at the world, or even just at our relationships with others, we realize that conflict is a part of life. It's a natural phenomenon of human coexistence and stems from the simple fact that people have different—sometimes very different—experiences, sensitivities, and needs. If we look closely, we find that the problem isn't the causes of the conflict, but rather how we deal with conflict situations. In extreme cases, people are either very argumentative or very conflict-averse. Both attitudes hinder finding a solution. Below, I've compiled a few tips to promote solution-oriented conflict resolution skills.
What is a conflict?
Conflicts are differences between us and other people that we (currently) perceive as obstacles, for example, to achieving our own goals. In the least harmful cases, they lead to disagreements, and in extreme cases, to wars. Between these extremes, there are all sorts of ways in which conflicts can manifest. As a conflict escalates, its resolution takes on increasingly destructive forms. If a sufficiently stable, positive relationship doesn't exist, then conflict resolution must first address the relationship itself. This creates the necessary foundation for overcoming disagreements.
What conflicts exist?
In principle, one can distinguish between two types of conflict: conflicts of opinion and conflicts of relationship. Often, conflicts are a combination of both. A conflict of opinion can escalate into a conflict of relationship, or a conflict of relationship can foster conflicts of opinion. We are all familiar with situations where disagreements develop into personal animosity, or where relationship problems lead to the occasional below-the-belt remark on (seemingly) objective topics. Conflicts of opinion can relate, for example, to goals, evaluations, or demands. In project work, this might involve differing views on costs, deadlines, or quality. Conflicts of relationship are rooted deep in people's psyches. This makes dealing with them much more demanding and challenging. But more on that later.
Which parties to the conflict are conceivable?
The constellations of conflicting parties also vary greatly: We can come into conflict with ourselves, for example, when weighing the pros and cons of decisions. Conflicts can arise with individuals, with or between groups, genders, institutions, cultures, mentalities, generations, religions, and so on. Wherever a difference exists, there is fertile ground for conflict.
How can we distinguish between conflicts of opinion and conflicts of relationships?
The transition is often fluid. Therefore, it's not always clear whether it's still a matter of opinion or already a relationship conflict. Relationship conflicts are often very subtle. However, there are some good indicators of whether a relationship conflict is at play:
- Generalizing accusations such as "He/She always causes me problems!"„
- Derogatory remarks, taunts, e.g. "Even you should understand that!"„
- Arrogance, e.g., "Do you actually know who you're dealing with?"„
- Impatience, e.g., interrupting the conversation partner.
- Aggressive verbal or nonverbal behavior
- Distrust
- intolerance
- Unnecessary harshness and inflexibility
- To twist one's words
It becomes dangerous when the conflicting parties can no longer clearly distinguish between the substantive conflict and the individuals involved. Then the line between the issue at hand and the people involved becomes blurred, and the relationship is jeopardized.
How can we resolve disagreements?
In cases of disagreement, we are largely able to distinguish between opinions on a particular topic and the people who hold those opinions. The relationship is stable enough to resolve the conflict through civilized means. For this to remain the case, it is important that the conflicting parties safeguard and strengthen the relationship through the way they handle the conflict situation. Safeguards and supports include:
- Respectful interaction
- Agreement on common goals and values that unite both sides across the conflict
- Emphasis on commonalities through the use of phrases with "we" and "together"„
- Recognition of difference
- Willingness to take on the other person's perspective
- Desire to understand the reasons behind the differing opinions
This relationship bridge helps people truly listen to each other, adopt a solution-oriented attitude, and be willing to understand other perspectives. Understanding doesn't necessarily mean we share the view exactly. However, the chance of reaching a consensus increases when both sides feel that each is willing to understand the other's situation, motives, and way of thinking. Generally, disagreements can then be resolved through facts and figures combined with a willingness to find a fair compromise. The solution can take many different forms, for example:
- Agreement on the opinion of one of the parties involved
- A good compromise
- A result that exceeds initial expectations.
The great additional benefit is that both sides have gained new insights in this process and simultaneously strengthened their relationship.
(see Figure 1 in the PDF)
What is the source of relationship conflicts?
As previously described, a stable relationship serves as a bridge to resolving differences of opinion. Relationship conflicts make it difficult or even impossible to resolve disagreements. Therefore, we should generally address relationship conflicts first before dealing with disagreements. But where does the core of the problem lie?
Think briefly about the following questions:
- What motivates you to commit yourself to a goal, a person, or a task?
- What demotivates you from committing to a goal, person, or task?
Frequently cited motivators include recognition, status, enjoyment, influence, money, personal responsibility, knowledge acquisition, security, belonging, financial security, or similar factors. The absence of these positive drives, or their opposites, demotivates us. All of these responses directly or indirectly express needs.
This is precisely where the source of relationship conflicts lies. They always arise when people feel that their important needs are being disregarded or threatened by others. When the opinions or behavior of others erode our self-esteem, our security, or another important need seems to be threatened, the seeds for a relationship conflict are sown within us. This is true regardless of whether the other person actually intends it. The escalation of relationship conflicts is facilitated by a distorted and one-sided perception of situations and people. When the conflicting parties draw allies into the conflict, it is further inflamed. They then see their opponent less and less as a person with needs like their own, and more and more as a nuisance to be avoided, eliminated, even destroyed.
To interrupt this vicious escalation as quickly as possible, relationship conflicts should be addressed early on. The later one intervenes, the more difficult the solution becomes.
How do we resolve relationship conflicts?
Relationship conflicts are therefore conflicts of needs. This means that the solution lies in first clarifying which needs are affected. Then, solutions can be worked on together that appropriately acknowledge and address these needs.
The goal of this approach is to build or rebuild a sustainable bridge of relationship. This path can usually only be traversed with a neutral or impartial mediator who helps the conflicting parties to gradually build a relationship that initially often resembles a temporary suspension bridge. In difficult or complex cases, a coach or mediator is recommended.
The solution process unfolds in the following steps:
1) First, the mediator obtains the consent of both sides to hold talks. This can require some persuasion on the part of the mediator. However, one should not underestimate the desire of the conflicting parties to free themselves from the pressure of the conflict.
2) The conversation should take place in a safe and comfortable environment. All participants agree to maintain confidentiality. The mediator models respectful and appreciative interaction for all participants.
3) The mediator explains the procedure and agrees on the most important rules with the participants. These include: confidentiality, respectful interaction, the responsibility for finding a solution lies solely with the conflicting parties (I call them that because it is indeed about finding a joint solution), and the conflicting parties speak with each other and not about each other.
4) In the conversation, the mediator first helps both sides to describe the situations they experienced to each other as concretely and objectively as possible. The goal is for the conflicting parties to distinguish between real situations and their effect on themselves (e.g., fear, anger). Furthermore, each party learns to understand the other's perspective on the situation. A very important goal of this and all subsequent steps is also for the two conflicting parties to increasingly experience each other as partners in dialogue and ultimately as partners in finding a solution.
5) In the next step, the participants tell each other how they felt in these situations. Now it's about them describing, from their own perspective, the effect the specific situation had on them. This usually involves expressing feelings and needs directly or indirectly. For example: "I lacked recognition for my efforts." Or "I felt insecure." The first-person perspective is important because it makes it easier for both sides to distinguish between intention and effect. What one side perceived as an effect might not have been the other's intention. The goal is for each participant to understand the effect their behavior has on the other person, whether they intended it or not. The mediator helps both sides adopt this first-person perspective and avoid personal attacks.
6) Now the participants express their wishes, the fulfillment of which, from their perspective, would improve the situation in the future. These wishes are collected by the participants, for example, on a flip chart. The mediator assists the participants in formulating their wishes concretely.
Please note: Up to this point, the process resembles a moderated feedback session.
(see Figure 2 in the PDF)
7) Now the solution partners negotiate how they will fulfill each other's wishes and what support they will offer the other partner in fulfilling their wishes. It is important to understand that fulfilling a wish is always a joint task, with one solution partner taking action and the other providing support.
8) Finally, concrete and binding agreements are made on how the wishes will be put into practice and what support the solution partners will give each other.
9) The solution partners agree to a follow-up meeting with the mediator to review the effectiveness of the agreements.
This process offers great opportunities for all involved to better understand themselves and others, including on an emotional level. Resolving relationship conflicts is often an important milestone in the maturation of individuals, relationships, teams, or other communities.
The mediator supports this solution by...
- exemplifies respectful interaction
- must remain absolutely neutral or impartial
- remain calm and patient
- ensuring compliance with the rules and the process
- ensures balanced speaking time
- The participants actively repeat and, if necessary, document important statements and results.
As a mediator, remain humble. Every step toward normalizing the relationship is an important step forward that you should acknowledge and celebrate. Not every conversation leads to a complete solution. If you realize that the situation is becoming too stressful or heading in the wrong direction, end the conversation and thank the other person for their willingness to resolve the conflict. Then seek advice from a manager, the human resources department, or an experienced coach you trust.
GOOD LUCK
wishes
Peter Siwon
References/Sources
- Bähner, Oboth, Schmidt, Practical Guide to Conflict Resolution in Teams & Groups
- Glasl, Friedrich, Self-help in conflicts
- Peter Siwon, The Human Side of Project Success
- Manfred Prior, MiniMax Interventions
- Emil Hierhold, Sales Factor P
- Matthias Schranner, Negotiating in border areas
- Vera Birkenbihl, Negotiating correctly from a psychological and logical perspective
author
Peter Siwon has been working on the topics of brain and psyche in connection with project work in technical professions for over 20 years. His 25 years of professional experience in research, development, marketing, sales, training, coaching, consulting, and management have provided him with valuable insights. At MicroConsult, he is responsible for the Embedded Software Engineering Congress and related activities. He also works as a freelance trainer and coach, as well as a lecturer at various universities.
You can find more information about MicroConsult and its diverse training courses on embedded software engineering at: www.web-dev-weissblau.de
More about the author and further specialist information on the human side of project success can be found at: www.systemisches-projektmanagement.info
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